I've always been a healthy person, who ate everything, and thank God I never lacked anything in my life. When my parents separated, I gained a bit of weight and then decided to look for a nutritionist to get back to normal. Nothing special happened there, but I think the seed had been planted. What I had accumulated for a few years ended up unraveling there. Perhaps I felt that eating and weighing gave me ''control'', I got caught up in that adrenaline without being able to stop.
@Illustrations by Sofía Alvarez
⚠trigger warning: this testimony includes references to sensitive topics, such as eating disorders and suicidal thoughts. Proceed at your own risk⚠
It all started in the first year of college, although looking back it seems clear to me that patterns and fears had already been developing in previous years. Everything was new, so I felt pressured to fit in. In the first year, I started to focus more on what I was eating, on my weight, on working out etc. I had just moved in with my dad (my parents are separated), so I changed my eating habits. The whole 'fit' cult was in fashion, and I decided to join in. I noticed that my clothes started to fit better, I felt good, and “there’s nothing wrong with being healthier, right?”, or so I thought.
I could describe my whole experience in excruciating detail, but I can sum it up by saying there was always a pattern: I was gradually eating less, I constantly thought I was less hungry, and I blamed it on my nervous system. I told myself it was normal. I was eating less so-called "unhealthy" food, eating more vegetables, and weighing myself more frequently. It should be noted that, in addition to this, I had been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. As such, I often used this syndrome as an excuse for not being hungry or not wanting to eat because I was 'fed up'.
But I was losing a lot of weight and people were starting to notice. I was in denial even though it was obvious that something was wrong.
Obvious to others, but not to me.
Eventually, I was overcome by an intense fear of gaining weight, but also of not losing weight compared to the previous day. I still didn’t want to share this fear with anyone, because I thought I could solve it on my own, and that it was temporary. A few months later, my parents asked me to see a doctor because of the state I was in, but I refused.
Soon after, I acknowledged my fear and admitted to one of my parents that I was scared of the weight gain. It was then that I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. But the diagnosis did nothing to help me. With every day that passed my mental health got worse, my desire to eat diminished, my irritation increased, my fear was greater, everything seemed more complicated.
"The possibility of being shipped off to a facility was looming over me"
Then the weekly doctor appointments and weighings started. It was around this time that I suffered my most significant weight loss. Despite everything, I finished my semester at university with great marks.
However, the summer pushed me to an extreme and, in September of the following year, I was admitted to hospital at risk of death. The possibility of being shipped off to a facility was looming over me.
Deep down I knew I was exhausted; I knew my body couldn't take it anymore. I knew I would have to give in and eat, but the disease was stronger. I ended up being committed to a center for what felt like a very long month, where I surrendered completely. The aim was just to eat and rest in order to restore some energy. Unreachable and without visitors, I ate to survive. One of the best moments of my life was when I finally got out of that place and hugged my family.
I'd like to say that I was discharged and that things got better, but following my release, I had to face real life. And nothing had changed. It wasn't long before I was back to the same patterns. Weekly appointments, as well as weighings. Until the threats of being hospitalized returned.
That fear looming over me was exactly what I needed to start making an effort to eat. In the following seven months I regained weight. But after so many years of dietary restrictions and lack of control, my body fought back and I started binge eating instead.
I wasn’t mentally ready for that. I couldn't cope if I ate two cookies instead of one.
And at that point I was eating the whole package.
I would spend days on end not eating if I felt I had eaten too much. With the anxiety of regaining weight, college, and other external factors, I couldn’t have a balanced diet, because I would give in to binge eating and then proceed to dwell on it. I was irritated, instead of accepting that it was just another part of the process.
Soon enough, I started to compensate for what I was eating in various ways and then I was diagnosed with bulimia. Along with that, I had depressive episodes and they added depression to the diagnosis as well. The summer flew by, and I ended up being hospitalized once again, for about 4 months.
I came out of there with a new eating routine. I was calmer, more relaxed, but I was uncomfortable with my weight, as it was more than I wanted. Still I was optimistic about getting back to university, back to a routine.
And then COVID happened.
"Being at home was a hit for my self-esteem"
I must say I don't really recall what those years were like anymore. But I remember everything suddenly switching to virtual. All my training had to be done at home. There was no human contact. We – being creatures of affection – couldn't be with anyone. At first it was a bit hard for me to accept that I would have to stay at home, because it was hard for me to be still. I was one of those people who always went for a walk with my dog. The therapist sessions became online zoom chats.
One thing I do remember is that the limited access to goods gave me anxiety. I had been so hungry that I worried I wouldn’t be able to find a certain type of food.
I lost motivation for classes, which affected my performance and had a great impact on my self-esteem. I went from being a student with good grades to thinking I was a “'dumbass who can't lose weight''. On the plus side, no one could see me so my physical condition went unnoticed. It's also important to mention that being locked up at home was more likely to lead to eating, being hungry and being irritated by being with the same people all the time.
As a person who really likes to go out, walk, train, and so on, I think that it was difficult to stop seeing people, to stop having contact with other people. Hence the increase in the number of depressive episodes I had during COVID. I remember that the fear of being contaminated was huge, but sometimes, the desire to see someone was so great that I almost wanted to take a risk. Afterwards, I stopped having psychiatric consultations, while proceeding to see a therapist online: in a way, that emotional connection was lost a little.
Inevitably, the daily stress of knowing what was going to change, and keeping track of the number of daily cases and deaths affected everyone. So, for someone like me, who was already naturally anxious, it was even worse. It affected my diet, my sleep... I tried meditating, dancing, everything, but the days seemed endless because I was always at home.
As I said, it seemed advantageous to always be at home because nobody saw me. But at the same time, it was a hit to my self-esteem because months and months went by when I only wore tracksuits. The result was huge dissatisfaction at the end of isolation.
All the while always being with the same people at home, which saturated me. Not to mention the arguments that were becoming frequent. Not being able to see friends and loved ones saddened me. Simple things like not being able to go for a swim, having breakfast outside, going out freely, contributed to an emotional imbalance. At the same time, the fear of catching the virus and having to be locked in my room was an idea that terrified me even more.
I remember when that, as soon as lockdown ended, I was so unhappy with the way I looked that I lost weight immediately. But then the depression got worse. During the following term, I went back to being very image-oriented, was working out a lot and ended up dropping some courses.
During the second period of lockdown, I continued to work out intensely, until it got so bad that I couldn’t continue my studies.
I was getting slimmer, more depressed, and I was lost. I remember I no longer wanted to live. I was admitted to a private clinic. And there began another chapter in the story of my recovery. I underwent several treatments in this clinic because I relapsed again.
Today, I have just returned from Erasmus. I think of myself as still in recovery. Weight is still a sensitive and difficult issue. But I feel that this experience outside has taken me out of the depressive black hole I've been in.
"There is a whole world beyond hospitals and clinics... And I like that world better
My therapists helped me a lot. I believe and affirm that seeking psychological help is essential in the case of eating disorders. Having someone who’s willing to listen, to make me understand things, to help me, is essential. I was followed closely during Covid, and I still am today.
My closest support network is also important. It includes my parents, my brother, and my best friends, as they are the people who were always there in the most difficult moments. I think it is essential to maintain a relationship of sincerity and transparency in order to always be helped!
Looking back, I don’t think there’s one single cause to my anorexia nervosa. I honestly feel suffocated just writing about it. I feel like those were intense years. Obviously I wish I hadn't gone through this, but I believe that everything has a purpose and nothing happens by chance. It genuinely makes me angry to see what an illness can take away from us. It took away years of my life, experiences, everything. I won’t get those back.
I also feel that going on my Erasmus was the best thing I could have done. And thank god Covid didn't stop me this time. At the same time, I would like everyone to have access to this type of information, and for these issues to be more portrayed in society, to prevent more people from suffering from this type of disorder, or so that they can at least seek help sooner. Because really, I realized that there is a whole world beyond hospitals and clinics... And I like that world better!
This interview has been edited for length and clarity
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